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Clean… High… Cali Bound…

I am sitting in the oncologists office and thinking back to the many hours I spent here just a couple years ago. Time that while both seeming so long ago (a lifetime in some ways… a different time, a different place, a different Patti) seems all too recent (pain still close to the surface, fear still prominent in my mind). Coming here now has a totally different feel to it. I am amazed that even 2.5 years later they still remember my name. Is it like a requirement for staff at places like this to have super memories and so they can remember your name even years later so you know you matter as a person and are worth remembering/knowing even years later? I laugh at this a bit because I have a hard time remembering all their names and there are way fewer of them than there are of us – Unfortunately) I have recently decided that not remembering everything is not all bad.

During the past 2.5 years this place has prompted or promoted varying levels of Stress… Anxiety… Fear… Uncertainty…Joy… Connection…Peace… Now every three months more often than not it is primarily fear. That time when I give blood the day before and then hope that I hear “the bloodwork is perfect…no changes…tumor markers still down”. And I continue to wonder should I find another Dr. one that may believe in a more proactive approach and who does periodic pet scans and the like. Because the fear for me is that in some point in time it may come back. Every cancer patient has this fear. Time lessens it but it is never really gone.

I have seen or heard all too often of late of breast cancer recurrence in women. Women I am connected to in some way. Women much younger than myself. Just as each of them goes to the why me. I too say why them… Why not me… Is it just not ‘my turn yet’… And if ‘yet’ is in the vocabulary…when will my yet arrive? Will it?

Honestly speaking I prefer there to never be a yet . I want to live long, live well, see my baby get married and have babies… (this one a long way off I hope-LOL). See the 3 grandbabies I have grow, play, explore, develop…I want to design that house with the wrap around porch in North Carolina and move in and be able to enjoy it with my wonderful hubby, family and friends… Maybe have a horse… I want to go on a cruise to Greece and Italy with my hubby and make that trip to Hawaii that had to be put off the year JD and Chelsey graduated from HS. (Chelsey then opted for the cash payout in lieu of trip … JD wants to see and play in Hawaii… I would like to say because it’s with me but think there may be way more reasons than that). I want to lose 35-40 lbs. I want to be able to push myself physically without fear of doing damage. I wanna be able to run.. I want to let the past be the past, I can’t change my mistakes, or those of others. I want new moments. Moments where hopefully the sins and mistakes of my past have made me smarter so that my choices and outcome are better this time around. I want the memories of me to be happy, helpful, hopeful and fulfilling. I want to know my Lord and Savior more deeply… I want intentional time with my friends… I want to be able to reach out to others in time of pain and hardship and walk a journey with them… I want to publish my book… I want to outlive my mother. I want to live out my purpose. But first I have to find out exactly what that purpose is.

I started this post yesterday. While waiting to see the oncologist. Wonder if it ever gets easier the waiting the not knowing. Literally 6 of the nurses stopped in my room…actually opened the door back up to ask how I was doing, feeling And to say hi. So my mind immediately went to… It’s back… Something is wrong… They are all just trying to make me feel good or better. Thankfully the blood work is fine. Tumor markers remain at 7 which is where they have been almost since I was done with chemotherapy. They are to be less than 31. My blood pressure though was up. Hmmmm … Not sure what is up with that as I routinely have had good bp results – sometimes even low pressure so we will definitely keep an eye on it. Good news is I will be going to the Dr in a week to start getting tests done for the next round of reconstruction.

I’m now sitting on the back patio at my friend Kellie’s house on beautiful Coronado Island. Flight was easy. We were in 1st class so free cookies – they have the yummy ones again on US Air. Lol. Nick her eldest and the same age as JD picked us up. Holiday weekend all right. Both airports were crazy. Went for a 4 mile walk while Rich working from here and Kellie at work. So beautiful here with cooler Cali weather and the ocean breeze. So now 4 days of hanging out…laughing…having fun… With this wonderful woman I have known exactly 22 years. I just realized we first met Memorial weekend in 1989 at a BBQ at Katie’s house in PV. When we were both mere children… how funny to think back and remember and know that time has passed, lives have changed, yet we still have an amazing connection, we can do nothing or something but activity is not required to fill our time filled with stories and laughter of lives long ago and plans for the future. I am blessed! Thank you Lord.

I love having my hubby around, but don’t tell him…sometimes I need it to be just me and my girlfriends. Because I feel guilty if we are living in memories and he is left out…or I have to split my attention between being two different Patti’s (Patti with friendships and stories of long ago and the Patti he knows, loves and takes amazing care of). It can be exhausting. Lol. I don’t know how people with multiple personalities can do it.

SO for now I close. Praying peace to each and every one of you.

One Response to “Clean… High… Cali Bound…”

  1. Patti,
    Just found your blog! I am going to love reading through it. Beautiful post. I am doing my last round of taxotere right now, and sitting in the oncology office feeling the feeling of anger (no idea why, just upset, I guess because vacation is over, and unfortunately my real life right now is cancer), so it was nice to read about all the different feelings you felt while there.
    xo Katrina

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